Clowns...

I was talking about Cirkus and clowns with L yesterday.
I am not so scared of clowns, but there sure are some evil ones lurking around. I am more scared of pantomimes. There is something about them that just freaks me out.

And speaking of evil clowns...I don't think this is the best picture of clown on a Cirkus poster.

Buns of steel?

My skills in Hungarian are close to nothing, but this commercial about buns looks funny. Health buns? Good for workout?
No matter what it gives the old slogan "buns of steel" a whole new meaning.

Shitload of work

I have so much to do tomorrow. But I do it with the biggest smile because tomorrow is the last day!
Last day followed by the last night in this place.
On wednesday starts my trip across Europe, as far away from Turkey as possible.

I´m happy. And tired. Good night.

A wrap...

So, after two day´s of more or less constant raining and thunder and two full night´s of work we started the final day today at around noon. And now it is 5.32 am and I just came back to the hotel.
The show is finally over and now it is only 3 day´s of downrig and after that I say bye bye to Oba Star for, what I hope is a lifetime!

I don´t know if I really look forward to the following day´s. It will be a lot of work, a lot of thinking and packing. But the reward I get after that will be worth it. I really can´t wait!

Today I was close again, I hit rock bottom and just had the urge to start walking somewhere, anywhere else than being in this place. One of the most horrible day´s that started wrong and more or less (not totally) went south from the moment I opened my eyes is finally over. I am in my bed, my teeth are brushed and I will go to sleep soon I hope.
If it wouldn´t have been for an aching stomach, a hungry stomach and a shitty mood. I hope, really, really much that tomorrow will be better, put back the smile in my face again (because I really miss it) and most of all, it will go smooth. But right now I am furious and could punch a hole in a door and sad without a reason...Alanya is a black goo, eating on my mind today.
We will see. But I promise, I am open minded and will give tomorrow a fair chance before I decide if it is good or not.

And with all that nonsens thrown out I say good night.

A new workday...

A new day just started. Hungry like a wolf and tired like some really tired animal.
Time to take a hard grip around the nuts of this day and as quickly as possible get it out of the way. Let the games begin!

Boob!

Ok, I did not get very much response about the tears thing. So no more deep stuff?
Fine, let's talk about breasts!
I found this tit in Budapest when I was there. What I want to say with this? Nothing.

Tears

Let´s turn this into something serious for a while.
I need you to not just read this, I am really curious about what you think. It is not often I ask for a comment, but this time I want feedback.
Ok, ready?

I have been thinking about this thing, tears.
When you are young they come easy but with time it get´s harder to cry. I don´t know why it is like that, is it because the experiences you get in life makes you harder?
I had a period in my life when I could not cry. No matter what. Sad or angry, nothing came out. Not even when I felt that I really needed it.
And how come men shed tears less often than women?

There are many different kinds of tears. Tears of sadness, happiness, laughter or for me even when it is windy outside, or really cold or if I am tired. But then it is not much of tears, it is just water coming out, no feelings connected. The tears I am thinking about is the ones caused by feelings.
I already said I could not cry before. Suddenly, after keeping everything locked in and carrying inside me for a long time I reached a point where my mind and body said stop. And after a lot of work with myself I started to cry. And since that day I am a real cry baby.
I can cry when I am alone, even to movies. Good thing is that it only happens while I am alone.
Now, I am not talking about uncontrollable tears just pouring out, it is just more water than usual in the eyes and you feel a bit like Radar in Hotshot´s when he has fishes swimming around in his glasses. And then one or two find their way out of the eyes.
I have also learnt a new kind of tears. Tears of happiness. Now there you have something beautiful!

Crying makes you feel better. A way of easing the pain. Or just releasing the pressure a bit, even happiness needs to be ventilated and it is not every time happiness can cause laugter.
But is it ok to cry? What do you think?

And mostly, is it ok for a man to cry? The common thought´s about this is as I can understand that tears are not for men, and that annoys me. Why shouldn´t we be able to cry? It is some kind of old stone age way of thinking, where a real man is strong as a rock. Well, I have to confess. I am not strong as a rock.
And no one else is either. Ok, maybe some action heroes, but I bet even James Bond would like to cry sometimes, and he does when no one is watching. Even Wolverine has tears!
Men can cry, but it is a risky thing to do it. Because as a man when you cry it will give you a feeling of suddenly being completely naked in public. Embarassed. Weak. And that is nothing you want to show or feel for someone.
But crying is the most honest way to show a feeling, mostly to yourself. The price is feeling naked though...

I have no witty conclusion to finish this. It is just thought´s I had in my head and I am curious to hear what you think.

Being creative...

I had a lot of really good texts in my head that I wanted to write and post to this, the forum of my own mind. But I just could not get it out.
It was about dancing with yourself, the mind of someone creative, having a really good time, when tears are ok even for a man. But every time I tried to write I just had nothing.
And then I remembered a talk I had with my friend Henrik (the other Slacker) last week about being creative.

Creative minds, no matter if you are a songwriter, writer, artist or something else. When it comes to doing something creative you have to be either pissed off or sad. Of course you can do stuff even when you are in a good mood (I painted a lot last week and my mood was over the rooftops), but the real flow you can get almost only occures when being in a really good mood. It is a way to get it all out of your head.
The more I think about it the more right it is, even though it is also the other way around. I have to write something when I am really happy too, get a little bit of it out of my head to release some pressure in my fuzzy brain.

So, that is why it again has been really quiet in here for a while. I have been over the rooftops, the sky is not the limit, sitting on the moon-happy this weekend. I wanted to share everything with you but I could not. I had to check my e-mail from time to time but besides that I did not want to spend any time doing something else than being in the moment. I wanted to enjoy every millisecond I had, and I did.
I will try to do a post about it later, but just now I just keep it for myself.
And here is also another reason for not writing even a dot. After I came back to reality, to hell, to Oba Star Hotel yesterday I could not write, even if I was filled with rage, hate, happy memories, bubbling Love and an bottomless sadness.
To be honest I had to fight hard to even breath. I think I said it before, Jonas does NOT do Good Bye´s!
I hate it, always had, always will. But now, after a good day and evening with my friends, a lot of work and a nice time on Skype I feel better. Now it is just a bottomless, aching feeling of missing someone. And Love.

Tomorrow when I open my eyes it should only be 13 day´s left of this shit. After that I will leave Oba Star behind me and hopefully never, ever return. Not in a lifetime! I actually thought about peeing on the carpet under the bed before leaving. That is how much I hate this place.

Besides that all is good. The future is brighter than ever and right now my, or should I more correctly say our dreams has come true and I actually really much look forward to going to Mexico again!
I am slowly building a future together with L. I always said that my plan is to live forever, and so far so good. Well, I really want that. Live forever, together with L. And I really look forward to forever, every single day of it if I just get to wake up to that smile, eyes and everything else that is her.

Friday

According to the schedule I was supposed to be at home and in my bed now...
I'm at work instead. Waiting...

A nice gift

Look what I got delivered to me! Now that is just beautiful!