I had a day off today.
A day I had planned to just watch movies and don't do anything else than just care about myself. Oh how wrong plans can go sometimes.
Day started without any internet. So I could not do what I have to do every morning. Check my workmail. Finally found some connection half way out on the balcony. A connection that died every five minutes.
I also felt really sick so no good start at all.
So after a really short Skype with my girlfriend where the picture was beyond blurry and I only could hear every second word I felt...sort of empty when we hung up.
Out to buy some milk for the tea and then back to the room where I spent a long time just cleaning up my own mess created during the past weeks hard work where I just came in, dropped the clothes on the floor and slept a couple of hours.
After that some time for a movie I thought, picked out three movies and sat down. Then the phone started ringing. Tried to do some support while standing on one leg trying to check my mail.
And so the day continued.
This place eats me up from the inside. Every second I spend without having millions of things to do or writing or talking with L makes me go crazy. I don't like myself when I feel like this and I know that the only solution is to leave. And I know I have almost 6 weeks left.
I honestly don't know how I would have made it without L. And without internet. I would have worked non stop, or gone back to drinking. None of them appeal to me any more. Too many years I have hid myself behind work or party, to block out my feelings. And suddenly this spring came a kind soul into my life and made me realise again that life is more about your own happiness than anything else. No one can go before yourself.
And she made me feel good. And makes me feel good still. More now than ever.
So it is a shame that this place manages to break me down every now and then. It takes so much power to get back up.
And I am not alone. One of my colleagues gave up a couple of days ago. This is the last gig abroad now for him. It is sad to loose a good technician. But at the same time I am happy. It makes the chances for our dream about the future even larger.
Tomorrow is another day off. Let's see if the internet will be on my side and if the phone can shut up for a whole day.
This evening, to get some internet connection I had to go to a restaurant and have a beer to get WiFi. Fucked up that a 4star hotel cannot offer a good and steady WiFi.
I hope I will have a good nights sleep and I wish for a better mood tomorrow. A good mood. And I hope there will be some free time for both me and L to talk, with good sound. I think I need it. I miss her a lot and even if we chat, there is just something special in hearing her voice. It takes me back down on earth.
And all these wishes and hopes for tomorrow might not get real, but I think it is the right way to deal with this hellhole. To wish, hope and dream about something else.
And beside all that, knowing that there is a love that carries me through the day, even if some of the wishes won't come through. Then there is always a new tomorrow to wait for.
With all that thrown straight in your face I say good night.
Thanks for reading.
